Perfectionism

NEVER GOOD ENOUGH

When Doing Your Best Becomes Too Much

Perfectionism is one of those traits that can sneak under the radar—especially in a world that praises hard work, high standards, and attention to detail. But when the drive to do things perfectly becomes constant, exhausting, and anxiety-inducing, it can start to chip away at your mental health and overall well-being.

As a clinical psychologist, I often work with people who don't realise they're experiencing perfectionism. They just know they feel overwhelmed, burnt out, or stuck. So, let’s break it down.

What Is Perfectionism, Really?

Perfectionism isn’t just about striving to do well. At its core, it’s the belief that anything less than flawless is failure—and that mistakes, rest, or vulnerability somehow make us “not enough.”

It’s often driven by fear: of making a mistake, being judged, disappointing others, or feeling out of control.

And while perfectionism might look like success from the outside, on the inside it can feel like never being able to relax.

Signs You Might Be Struggling with Perfectionism

Perfectionism doesn’t always look like someone obsessively tweaking their resume or colour-coding their calendar. It can show up in quieter, more hidden ways:

• Procrastinating because the task feels too big to get “just right”

• Overworking long past the point of exhaustion

• Beating yourself up for the smallest of mistakes

• Avoiding new challenges out of fear of failing

• Feeling like you have to earn rest or kindness

• Constant self-doubt, even when you’re doing well

If any of these resonate, you’re not alone. Perfectionism is common—and it’s something you can shift.

What’s the Cost of Perfectionism?

The short answer: it can be high.

Chronic perfectionism often leads to:

• Anxiety or low self-worth

• Burnout from never feeling like you can stop

• Difficulty making decisions (what if it’s the wrong one?)

• Imposter syndrome—that nagging sense you’re never quite good enough

• A life that feels more like pressure than joy

And perhaps the hardest part? Even after doing everything “right,” perfectionism rarely leaves you feeling truly satisfied.

Understanding the Perfectionism Cycle

Early Experiences

Perfectionistic patterns often begin in early life. As children, we absorb messages from our environment—parents, teachers, peers, and culture. If we were frequently praised for achievements rather than effort, or criticized harshly for mistakes, we might begin to associate being loved or accepted with being successful. Some people grow up in families where expectations were unspoken but constantly felt, or where the only way to avoid conflict was to perform well. In other cases, being compared to siblings or feeling invisible unless excelling in something may have shaped the idea that "being perfect" is the only way to matter.

The Reinforcing cycle of Perfectionism

Core Beliefs

From these early environments, we form deep beliefs about ourselves—what CBT calls core beliefs. These are the hidden rules we carry about our identity and worth. A perfectionistic core belief might be something like, “I am only valuable if I succeed,” or, “Mistakes make me unworthy.” These beliefs are rarely in our conscious awareness, but they quietly influence how we think, feel, and act. They’re like background software that shapes our whole operating system.

Rules and Assumptions

To cope with these core beliefs, we often create conditional rules to live by—personal standards that feel non-negotiable. For someone with perfectionistic tendencies, these rules might sound like, “I must always give 100%,” or, “If I relax, then I’m lazy.” You can look out for ‘if…then’ statements to figure out your hidden rules.

These rules are designed to protect us from the pain of not feeling good enough. The logic is: if I never let myself slip, then I won’t be rejected, judged, or feel ashamed. But living with these rigid standards often brings more anxiety than security.

From these rules, we then set unrelenting and realistic high standards

Perfectionistic Thoughts & Behaviors

These rules become especially active when we’re under stress or facing a challenge. When something triggers our fear of falling short—like a work deadline, performance review, or even a social event this can lead to thoughts like, “This has to be flawless,” “I can’t make any mistakes,” or “If I fail at this, I’m a failure.” These thoughts often come with intense pressure and self-doubt. We might not even notice them at first—they just feel like the truth. Common unhelpful thinking styles related to perfectionism are '“shoulding” and “black and white / all-or-nothing” thinking.

Driven by these thoughts, we often respond with behaviors designed to avoid failure at all costs. For some, that means overworking—spending excessive time on a task, checking and re-checking, refining endlessly. Others might procrastinate, fearing they can’t do the task perfectly and so avoid starting it altogether. Some people avoid tasks entirely unless they’re confident they’ll excel. These perfectionistic behaviors are often time-consuming and exhausting, but in the short term, they serve a function: they reduce anxiety.

Short-Term Relief | Long-Term Consequences

This part of the cycle is key. Engaging in perfectionistic behaviors usually brings a sense of short-term relief. We avoid mistakes, feel more in control, or get a temporary hit of pride when things go well. This relief reinforces the behavior—like, “See? That worked. I had to go to that extreme.” But over time, we become more reliant on these strategies, and they begin to control us rather than support us.

While the short-term effects can feel good, the long-term consequences are often painful. Constantly striving for perfection can lead to burnout, stress, and emotional exhaustion. We begin to feel like nothing is ever good enough—not our work, our relationships, or even ourselves.

Over time, even the short-term benefits start to erode. Meaning that even when we meet the standards we set, we simply re-set the standard even higher, and don’t experience pride so much as a very temporary sensation of relief. And, when we inevitably fail to meet the unrealisticly high standards we are imposing on ourselves, in comes the inner critic to shame us with harsh criticism.

Over time, this can erode self-esteem, cause anxiety or depression, and lead us to avoid opportunities that carry the risk of imperfection. And underneath our conscious awareness, it is confirming and strengthening the original belief that we’re only okay when we’re perfect.

Reinforcing the Cycle

And this is how the perfectionism cycle maintains itself. The very strategies we use to feel safe and secure end up reinforcing the core belief that we are not enough unless we’re perfect. It’s a loop: early experiences shape our beliefs, which create strict rules, which lead to pressure-filled thinking and coping behaviors, which bring short-term relief but long-term harm—ultimately confirming the very beliefs we were trying to avoid.

Breaking the Cycle: How Can You Start to Loosen Perfectionism’s Grip?

You don’t need to completely change overnight. But there are small shifts you can make—starting today—to challenge perfectionistic thinking and open up space for growth, rest, and self-compassion.

1. Aim for "Good Enough"

Try replacing “Is this perfect?” with “Is this good enough to move forward?” Often, it is. Progress matters more than perfection.

2. Notice All-or-Nothing Thinking and Behaviour

Perfectionism loves extremes: I’m either amazing or terrible. Practice finding the grey. Some things went well, some didn’t. That’s normal.

3. Identify and challenge the “shoulds”

What are the rules I’m living by, and do they come from me, or are they a socially inherited standard?

4. Talk Back to Your Inner Critic

When your inner voice gets harsh, ask: Would I say this to a friend? Then try responding with kindness. That compassion is a strength—not a weakness.

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Worthy

Perfectionism isn’t a character flaw—it’s a coping strategy that once served a purpose. But as life changes, so can we. By understanding how perfectionism works, we can begin to shift away from fear-driven achievement and toward something more sustainable: growth, self-acceptance, and genuine satisfaction.

Perfectionism might have served you in the past, but if it’s now leaving you anxious, burnt out, or stuck—it’s okay to want something different.

Letting go of perfect doesn’t mean settling—it means finally making room for your full, authentic self.

If this spoke to you, I’d love to support you.
Feel free to contact me here or follow me on Instagram for more insights into perfectionism, self-worth, and mental health.