Finding Your Way Back to Each Other

Healthy relationships can be one of the most powerful sources of joy, security, and meaning in our lives.

It’s easy to assume that conflict means something is “wrong” with the relationship.

But in reality, moments of disconnection are natural.

Misunderstandings, stress, and emotional missteps are part of being human.

What matters most is how we find our way back to one another.

With curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to listen, those rough patches can actually deepen understanding and build resilience.

This isn’t about striving for a “perfect” relationship.

It’s about learning the skills and mindsets that help us reconnect after we stumble.

This way, love can feel like a place of growth and safety rather than pressure or performance.

As a psychologist, one of the most common things I see in therapy is how much people struggle in their close relationships.

Whether it’s with a partner, family member, or friend, we often bump into the same walls:

Communication breakdowns,

Intense emotions,

and feeling like we’re speaking different languages.

If this sounds familiar—you’re not alone.

The truth is, relationships are where our deepest needs, fears, and patterns collide.

That makes them both incredibly rewarding and incredibly challenging.

The good news?

There are skills we can build to navigate these challenges.

Let’s take a closer look at some common sticking points in relationships, and some practical strategies to move through them.

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Communication Challenges: More Than Just Talking

It’s a cliché, but it’s true: communication is hard.

Most of us weren’t taught how to listen well, express our needs clearly, or stay calm when tensions rise.

Instead, we might fall into patterns like interrupting, shutting down, or arguing to “win.”

These reactions usually come from a good place—we want to be understood—but they can leave us feeling more disconnected.

We often assume that if we’re “communicating,” we’re doing it right.

But communication isn’t just about speaking—it’s about how we speak, how we listen, and how safe the interaction feels.

We need to make sure that what we say translates into something the other person can actually hear.

What can I do?

Try slowing down.

When you notice the urge to jump in, pause.

Ask yourself: Am I listening to understand, or listening to reply?

Ask before offering solutions.

Are you looking for comfort or advice?

Check for understanding.

Say back what you heard: “So you’re feeling overwhelmed because the meeting ran long, right?”

Use “I” statements.

Instead of “You never listen,”

try “I feel unheard when I share something and don’t get a response.”

Example

Alex walks through the door at the end of a long day, shoulders slumped and keys dropped on the counter with a sigh. “I had such a rough day,” Alex says, sinking onto the couch. The day had been full of back-to-back meetings, a demanding boss, and a mountain of emails that never seemed to shrink.

Jamie, who’s been waiting at home, wants to help—so they jump in quickly with, “Well, maybe if you managed your time better, you wouldn’t be so overwhelmed.”

From Jamie’s perspective, this is practical advice. They hate seeing Alex stressed, and offering solutions feels like showing care. But from Alex’s perspective, it lands completely differently. Instead of feeling heard, Alex feels criticized—as if their effort and exhaustion aren’t being acknowledged. The walls go up. Alex crosses their arms and stops talking, retreating into silence. Jamie, now confused, wonders why their attempt to “help” only made things worse.

What’s happening here is a classic communication mismatch. Alex wasn’t looking for a fix—they were looking for comfort, empathy, maybe even just a hug. Jamie’s instinct to problem-solve overlooked the emotional need underneath the words.

What could shift the moment?

If Jamie paused and asked, “Do you want me to just listen, or help think it through?” Alex would have had the chance to say, “Honestly, I just need to vent right now.” A simple validating response—something like, “That sounds exhausting, I’m sorry you had such a tough day”—could have made Alex feel supported, not judged. From that place of connection, practical problem-solving could come later, if and when Alex wanted it.

These small shifts can make conversations feel less like battles and more like team-building.

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Emotional Dysregulation:

When Feelings Run the Show

Strong emotions are part of being human.

But when we’re triggered—feeling angry, hurt, or rejected—it’s easy for emotions to take over.

That’s when arguments escalate, or one partner storms off while the other feels abandoned.

Conflict often isn’t about the “thing” we’re fighting about—it’s about the emotions underneath.

When we get triggered, our nervous system reacts as though we’re under threat. That’s when we slam doors, say things we regret, or shut down completely.

Steps you can take

Notice body cues.

Is your chest tight? Voice getting louder?

That’s your body saying, “Time to pause.”

Take a structured break.

Say: “I need 15 minutes to calm down, but I promise I’ll come back.”

Then actually come back.

Self-soothe.

Try deep breathing, listening to music, or walking around the block.

Regulating yourself allows you to return with clarity instead of defensiveness.

Example

Taylor and Morgan are sitting at the kitchen table, bills spread out between them. The credit card statement has just arrived, and tensions are already running high.

Taylor’s voice rises as they say, “We can’t keep spending like this—it’s out of control!” The volume and intensity in Taylor’s tone isn’t meant to attack—it’s coming from fear and stress about finances—but in the heat of the moment, it sounds harsh.

Morgan immediately feels their chest tighten. Arguments about money always seem to spiral, and the raised voice makes them want to shut down. Their inner dialogue kicks in: “Here we go again. I can’t do this.” Without a word, Morgan pulls back in their chair, arms crossed, eyes fixed on the floor.

Taylor looks across the table and sees Morgan going quiet. In Taylor’s mind, the silence feels like abandonment—as if Morgan doesn’t care enough to engage. That sense of being “left alone” in the middle of the storm only fuels more frustration. Taylor pushes harder, raising their voice even more: “You just shut down every time! Don’t you see how serious this is?”

Now both are stuck in emotional overdrive. Taylor feels panicked and unheard; Morgan feels flooded and unsafe. Neither is able to address the bills in front of them, because their nervous systems are hijacked.

What could shift the moment?

If Morgan recognized feeling overwhelmed and said, “I want to talk about this, but I need a short break to calm down—I’ll come back in 20 minutes,” it could signal safety and commitment to return.

Meanwhile, if Taylor noticed the rising intensity and paused to self-soothe—taking deep breaths, going for a short walk, or even just lowering their voice—it would help bring their nervous system back online.

From a calmer place, they could approach the conversation differently: “I’m scared about our finances, and it comes out as frustration. Can we work on this together?” That shift—from reactivity to vulnerability—creates space for teamwork instead of escalation.

Regulation doesn’t mean shutting feelings off. It means giving your body space so your words come out with intention instead of impulse.

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Neurotypical vs. Neurodivergent Perspectives

When two people process the world differently, it can feel like you’re “missing each other.”

This is common in relationships where one partner is neurodivergent (for example, has ADHD and/or Autism) and the other is neurotypical.

Relationships often bring together people who process the world in different ways.

Every two people will see the world differently, but this can be more acute in relationships between people with different neurotypes.

For example, a neurotypical partner may expect lots of eye contact or verbal reassurance during conflict, and infer meaning with tone of voice and body language.

Whereas an autistic partner may prefer direct communication or have a need to ask clarifying questions, which can often be misunderstood by neurotypical partners as being confrontational or antagonistic.

These differences can lead to misunderstandings—not because either person is wrong, but because their brains simply work differently.

Steps you can take

Get curious.

Instead of assuming your partner “should” react like you do, ask how they experience things.

Ask: “What helps you feel connected in tough conversations?”

Curiosity builds bridges where assumptions build walls.

One of the joys of being in a relationship is the intricacies and unique qualities of your partner.

Name differences without blame.

“I notice you like to look away when we talk; I sometimes read that as disconnection. Can you tell me what’s happening for you?”

Create shared language.

For instance, maybe a hand squeeze becomes a signal of “I hear you” when words feel overwhelming.

Example (ADHD)

Jordan and Mia are making dinner together. Mia starts telling Jordan a detailed story about her day at work—how the meeting with her boss went off track, how her coworker kept interrupting, and how she finally managed to get her point across.

Jordan listens intently for a few minutes, but then blurts out: “Oh my god, my boss did the exact same thing last week!” Without realizing it, Jordan interrupts and shifts the focus of the conversation.

Mia pauses, a little deflated. Inside, she’s thinking, “I wasn’t finished. Why can’t you just let me tell my story?” She feels brushed off and unheard.

Meanwhile, Jordan is animated and excited, genuinely trying to connect by sharing a parallel experience. In their mind, this is a way of saying, “I get it—I’ve been there too.” But to Mia, it comes across as self-focused or dismissive.

What could shift the moment?

If Mia understood Jordan’s tendency to interrupt, she might say, “I want to tell you the whole story first—can you hold onto your thought and share after?” This helps Jordan pause without feeling shamed.

Jordan, on the other hand, could practice self-regulation skills like jotting down a quick note or silently repeating, “Wait until she’s finished” to hold the thought until Mia is done. They might also say, “I’m excited to share something similar, but I want to hear the rest of your story first.”

With small adjustments, what once felt like disconnection can turn into a shared rhythm that honors both Mia’s need to be heard and Jordan’s need to share.

Example (Autism)

Sam and Riley are sitting in the car after a family gathering. The evening was loud, full of overlapping conversations, and by the end, Sam felt completely drained. As Riley brings up something they wanted to talk through, Sam shifts in their seat, staring out the window, avoiding eye contact.

To Sam, this is self-preservation. Looking away helps them process their thoughts and manage the stress still buzzing in their body. But to Riley, it feels very different. Riley sees Sam turning their gaze away and interprets it as disinterest—or worse, avoidance. A thought runs through Riley’s head: “They don’t even care about what I’m saying.”

Frustrated, Riley snaps: “Why can’t you just look at me when we’re talking? It feels like you don’t care.”

Sam immediately feels misunderstood and pressured. They want to explain, but the demand for eye contact only heightens their stress. Inside, they’re thinking, “I am listening, but you’re asking me to do something that feels unnatural right now.” Instead of feeling connected, both partners feel more distant.

What could shift the moment?

If Riley led with curiosity instead of assumption, they might say, “I notice you look away sometimes when we talk. Can you tell me what that means for you?” This opens the door for Sam to explain: “Looking away helps me listen better when I’m overwhelmed. It doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

On the other side, Sam might offer reassurance in a way that works for them: “I know eye contact is important to you. I can’t always do that when I’m stressed, but I am listening. Maybe I can hold your hand while we talk so you know I’m with you.”

By replacing assumptions with curiosity, the moment shifts from disconnection to understanding. Both partners learn that connection can look different—and still be deeply meaningful.

Honoring differences means you don’t have to change who you are—you just learn to meet in the middle.

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The Weight of Our Histories

We don’t start relationships with a clean slate.

Our attachment style, family dynamics, culture, and past experiences all shape how we connect.

Someone with a history of inconsistency in relationships may crave reassurance, while another person who grew up needing to be independent may pull away under stress.

Steps you can take:

Reflect.

Consider how your history influences your patterns.

Awareness doesn’t “fix” everything, but it gives you a map of why you might react the way you do.

Ask yourself: “When I get anxious in conflict, what does that remind me of from my past?”

Share, don’t accuse.

“I realize I get extra sensitive about being ignored because of my history. It’s not about you doing something wrong—it’s about me needing more reassurance.”

Learn your partner’s attachment cues.

Do they withdraw when stressed? Do they seek closeness?

Recognizing these patterns reduces misinterpretation.

Example

Jordan and Casey are settling in for the evening after a busy day. Jordan texts Casey during the day: “Just checking in—did you get my last message?” When Casey doesn’t respond immediately, Jordan starts to feel anxious, imagining all sorts of worst-case scenarios: “Did I upset them? Are they upset with me?”

Later, when Casey arrives home, Jordan expresses their worry: “I felt worried all day because you didn’t reply. I really needed some reassurance.”

Casey, who grew up in a family where independence was highly valued, feels cornered. Their inner voice thinks: “Why can’t they just let me be? I need space too.” To Casey, Jordan’s request comes across as clingy or controlling, even though Jordan is simply seeking connection.

Jordan feels unseen and abandoned. Casey feels pressured and smothered. Both are unintentionally replaying patterns from their childhood: Jordan learned to crave reassurance because of inconsistent caregiving, while Casey learned to value self-reliance and may see closeness as risky.

What’s Happening Underneath?

Jordan (anxious attachment): Seeking reassurance and predictability to feel safe, because early caregiving was inconsistent. The repeated check-ins aren’t about controlling Casey—they’re a way of managing anxiety and fear of abandonment.

Casey (avoidant attachment): Needs independence and personal space to feel secure, because closeness was associated with pressure or intrusion in childhood. Jordan’s requests trigger discomfort and a desire to pull back.

Both want closeness and security—but their attachment styles create friction.

What could shift the moment?

Jordan: Can practice naming their need without blaming:

“I felt worried when I didn’t hear from you, and I’d really appreciate a check-in when you can.”

Casey: Can notice the pull to withdraw and respond with reassurance while keeping boundaries:

“I understand you were worried. I care about you, and I can check in at lunchtime tomorrow if that helps.”

By understanding each other’s attachment patterns, both partners can respond in ways that meet both needs—Jordan’s need for reassurance and Casey’s need for autonomy—turning potential conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection.

Self-awareness turns conflict into an opportunity for healing rather than just re-enacting old wounds.

Relational trauma is healed through healthy relationships.

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Skills for Connection and Repair

Conflict is inevitable.

It is a normal part of any relationship.

You are going to disagree.

What matters most is how you go about it.

Relationships thrive not when there’s no conflict, but when people know how to repair after conflict.

STEPS YOU CAN TAKE

Try reflective listening

“It sounds like you felt ignored when I was on my phone. Did I get that right?”

Curiosity over convincing

Instead of “That’s not true!”

Try “Can you help me understand what made you feel that way?”

Regulate before responding

If you feel your heart racing or your voice rising, pause.

A regulated nervous system is the best foundation for good communication.

Take accountability

Own your part.

Even small acknowledgments help.

“I see how my tone came off as dismissive. That wasn’t my intent.”

Name what you need

Resentment will build when you self-sacrifice in a relationship.

This can lead to outbursts of blaming statements.

Replace blame with clear requests.

“I need some reassurance right now” lands very differently than “You never care about me.”

Repair doesn’t mean perfect harmony.

It means showing up again, even after the mess, with a willingness to rebuild.

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Final Thought:

Aim to Connect Not to Convince

At the heart of it, most of us don’t want to “win” a fight—we want to feel understood, valued, and safe.

The next time you catch yourself gearing up to prove your point, pause and ask:

“What would help us feel more connected right now?”

At the end of the day, the goal isn’t to convince your partner to see things your way.

The goal is to stay connected, even when you disagree.

That connection grows when we listen deeply, regulate our emotions, and approach each other with curiosity and compassion.

Often, it’s the small, consistent shifts that create the biggest changes over time.

Relationships require work, yes.

So does everything that’s meaningful.

And they’re also some of the richest opportunities we have to grow, heal, and experience connection.

If you have been struggling in your relationship and would like some support, get in touch to enquire about therapy sessions to build skills towards greater connection.

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A Note on Safety
The guidance in this post is meant for relationships where both people are committed to treating each other with respect, even when things get messy. If you are in a relationship where there is abuse, coercion, or violence, these strategies may not apply—and your safety is the most important priority.

If you think you might be experiencing abuse, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for advice or support. If you are unsafe, call 000 immediately.